The new rules of respect across generations

When did you start calling me Udo?

Leadership in a world where the codes keep moving.

A young woman stood up at a corporate graduation ceremony recently, greeted one of Nigeria’s most prominent business leaders by his first name, and became national news almost immediately. “Good morning, Tony.” Tony Elumelu paused, initially thinking she had said “Toyin”. When she repeated herself, he told her he preferred “Mr Elumelu” or “TOE”. She adjusted and continued with her question.

Then the internet did what the internet does. One side saw disrespect, poor upbringing and a generation that no longer understands boundaries. The other saw an outdated obsession with hierarchy and titles. I found myself somewhere else entirely, because I don’t think this was really a story about one young woman’s manners or one older man’s preference. I think it was about all of us trying to navigate a world in which the codes keep moving.

I know, because I’ve had my own version of it. Some time ago, a dear younger friend called me “Udo” in a meeting. We are close. Very close, actually. There is warmth and familiarity between us, and in private we have our own language, though in public she would generally refer to me by my initials. But that day she said Udo, and I noticed something moved in me. So later, I sent her a message: “When did I become Udo to you?”

Not because Udo is offensive — it is, after all, my name. And not because I suddenly needed to establish my seniority. I wanted to understand what had changed in that particular setting that made “Udo” feel right to her. We ended up having quite an extensive conversation about it. I listened to her thinking, I…